Imagine reading this headline: Eating Rice Linked to Unemployment! The story describes how a random sample of the citizenry has been sampled and asked how much rice they eat and if they have recently lost their job. The conclusions show that the study has established a link between the consumption of rice and joblessness.

Of course, lots of people eat rice because it's relatively inexpensive. People of limited resources eat more of it than wealthy people. Just claiming that a "link" exists really doesn't say much about cause and effect. Eating rice every day will not make you lose your job.

With the debate on global warming we often hear about "links" to pollution, carbon dioxide and industrial emissions. Do these things really cause the climate to warm up? Given the dramatic boom in the Earth's population (6 billion) and our rapid industrialization and oil consumption it makes sense that our carbon emissions will climb any graph. No one will question that the world is a much more polluted place than it was in the past. But are these things causing the climate to get warmer? In fact, before we attempt to link these things we need to know... is the climate even getting warmer?

November and December of 2009 saw El Paso get snowfall before New England! The weather seems to be contradicting the paradigm we have neen taught about a warming planet. Who can you believe? I know, let's ask NASA. They should know. They have all those billion dollar satellites and decades of records. Right?

Under the FOIA (Freedom Of Information Act) NASA has been asked to provide their data about the Earth's climate ahead of the US attending and signing on to the Copenhagen Conference of Global Warming. Much is at stake here because the US is primed to fork over huge amounts of our National treasury to lesser polluting, underdeveloped countries as part of our reparation for being one of the major polluters of the planet. Surprisingly (or maybe not), NASA has failed to turn over the data.

Mark Hess, public affairs director for the Goddard Space Flight Center which runs the GISS laboratory, said they are working on the FOIA request, though he couldn't say why they have taken so long.

"We're collecting the information and will respond with all the responsive relevant information to all of his requests. It's just a process you have to go through where you have to collect data that's responsive."

Since that was unproductive we went to some other sources who supposedly got their information from NASA. They summarized the following facts which seem to shed doubt on the global warming trend:

• The earth today is not the warmest it has ever been. Global temperatures were as much as 2 degrees centigrade warmer more than a few times including the Medieval and Roman Periods. (see the chart [above])
• For most of the past 10,000 years the earth was warmer than today's temperatures.
• 2000 years of global temperature data, note the current global warming starting in the mid 1700s, well before man started producing much CO₂.
• The warmest year ever recorded in the USA was 1934, link. The coldest, in the mid 1970s, a period when some scientists and most of the press said the earth was heading toward global cooling if not a return of glaciation.
• Five of the ten warmest years since 1900 were before 1940!
• The warmest decade was the 1930s
• US temperatures have only risen 0.2 degrees F from 1940!
• 24 of the 50 US States had their highest ever recorded temperature in the 1930s. Five of the ten warmest years since 1900 were before 1940!

Hmmm. What's up with this?

No question about it. Global Warming will occur during our lifetime, maybe even next week, though the most reliable forecasts give us up to eighteen months to prepare for the calamity of Greenland melting and dumping all its ice and water on Amagansett. One of the most reliable Democrat scientist, Al Gore, predicted Global Warming to arrive precisely on New Years; Eve 2009! The first signs will be a heavy snowfall and the uncontrollable shedding of tears in The White House. Future Vice President Al Gore will take over and make a speech on TV that begins: "Fellow Americans. My New Year's pledge is to go an a diet to stop my fat thighs from rubbing together causing more Global Warming... I used up all my energy credits..."

There are several solutions to deal with climate change for East Enders.

First, set up barriers like concrete levies that will surround the entire East End. These will be at least thirty feet high and will block the ocean views of our wealthier resident who have large mansions facing Great Britain that can be seen in the distance on a clear day. One beautification solution would be to invite the artists from the ghettoes in the South Bronx to paint creative graffiti all along the insides of these walls facing these mansions. Perhaps scenes of ocean waves crashing on shore will do. Other walls can display large portraits of Jacques Chirac.

My second suggestion is to place massive pontoons under the entire East End, under the sandbar itself, and when the flood arrives the whole of the Hamptons will rise with the water. Now if the sand on which our homes have been built on collapsed, heavy netting between the pontoons can capture the residences that will hang in mid air over the ocean until the water recedes; just before the next Ice Age cometh, this period is otherwise known as "Global Cooling." It may take a few million years to arrive, glaciers and all, but the time it takes the glaciers to melt will give us enough time to think of something. The next Global Warming perhaps?

The third solution, admittedly not as reasonable as the first two, would be to drop a few nuclear bombs on Connecticut, Maine and Massachusetts to create a large cavity in North America, alike a huge bathtub into which the melting water from Greenland and the North Pole can drain. I wonder why Alec Baldwin never thought of that? Anyhow, I never liked the people and politicians who rule in those states (John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, Paul Dukakis), nor its people who are America-hating Tories with their allegiance to Europe. In other words, I don't think they are real Americans at all, so no lives will be lost.

I am aware that Christy Brinkley will march on City Hall with all the Democrats in tow who want to stop people from using their cars or heat their homes, maybe even dragging Alec on a leash to protest the unavoidable nuclear dust that might settle in populated areas from "nuculear" bombs having been dropped on Connecticut, Maine, Mass and its anti-American Tories. I say, "No taxation without representation!"

Christy, Alec, relax. No one cares about Canada. I mean, do you? Especially the eastern part which is French. As for the western part: they are just a gigantic coal mine we'll tap into when the oil runs out. Moreover, the prevailing winds at certain times of the year will always travel northeast, taking the pollution out to, guess where? Greenland and the North Pole. By the time the pollution gets there neither place will exist and you won't have to worry about the polar bears.

-- Stryker
(aka, The Artist Formerly Known as Andrew Benjamin)

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